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The Safeword Dilemma

This piece is a part of the Safe/Ward conversation started over on Purrversatility, and given quite a lot of bang over on Salon. The focus of the conversation and the resulting campaign is the proliferation of assault in the allegedly safe spaces in the BDSM scene: the pushing of boundaries, the ignoring of safewords, the sex that’s easier to agree to than to explain why you don’t want it. It’s a conversation worth having, and I suspect that many of my readers will have missed it going on around them. Follow the links, it’ll make you think.

I’m not talking about people who claim to practice BDSM with no safewords. Because no matter how deep you travel into dark scary places, there is always a safeword: “I withdraw my consent, everything you do from now on is assault.” Or, say, “Stop, or I’m calling the police.” No safewords, my arse. Anyway, I’m not talking about that.

Nor is this about safewords being ignored, as I have no first-hand experience with this. (My boyfriend does; he may talk about it when he’s ready.)

The part of the conversation I’ve found myself nodding most vigourously to was the atmosphere being created in which people feel unable to safeword, because it’s impolite, or it’s unwelcome, or it will break the atmosphere, or result in excessive sulking, or will make the fragile edifice of the top’s ego crumble into tiny pieces.

Three points of information:

1. I find safewording really easy. It has no emotional weight for me. I don’t feel inferior for not being able to take as much pain as the top wants to dish out. Nor do I enter deep headspace in which I might find communication physically problematic. When I’ve had enough, I say so. I can’t count how many times I have successfully and peacefully stopped scenes that had ceased to be enjoyable.

2. Keeping the habit of safewording is extremely important to me, because I enjoy consensual non-consent scenes, in which I like to be taken to dark places. I want to be known, on precedent, as the sort of person who will definitely stop play if I’m uncomfortable. I want tops to be able to rely on this, because it’s something I need when I top.

3. Even considering the above, I’ve had a number of spankings I continued to take because to try and stop would have resulted in aggravation and emotional fallout I wasn’t ready to face. I feel bad about this; it felt like a cowardly choice afterwards. Perhaps it’s what allowed me to eventually develop the aforementioned safeword hair trigger.

I couldn’t help but notice that where the ease of safewording is concerned, I am, let’s just say, unusual in my local community. This makes me quite cross. You may have heard me rant about this in person, as it’s a pet topic of mine. I’ve also written about it in a less blunt way over on The Spanking Writers. I’ve found my dedication to safewords quite difficult to keep or defend on a few occasions.

I’m going to give you some direct quotes I’ve heard in the scene just in the last 3 years.*

Said by tops:

“If you’re just going to safeword, we may as well not start.”
“She’s a serious player, she doesn’t safeword.”
“It’s not a punishment if you safeword, is it?”
“But I was so looking forward to this!” (Unsaid: “Until you safeworded and ruined everything.”)
“You’re being difficult.”
Me: “Safeword.” Him: *Flounce*
Me: “Safeword.” Her: *Tears*

Said by bottoms:

“I know I have a safeword, but I wouldn’t use it.”
“I don’t like safewords.” (Times many.)
“Safewording just doesn’t feel very submissive.”
“He doesn’t deal well with safewords.”
“I didn’t safeword. It wasn’t an option.”

Let me tell you, then, how easy it’s been to remain the sort of safe, responsible bottom who can be relied upon to safeword when she needs to. Let me tell you about the sulking divas with canes I’ve had to deal with, until in the last couple of years I drastically limited the circle of people I will bottom to. Let me tell you about comforting friends who aren’t quite as bloody-minded or determinedly blunt as me.**

Do you know what’s interesting? None of the scary shit ever happened to me in my professional spanking work. It has to people close to me, but never to me. Go figure.

*Attributions are missing because I have no permission to attach names to quotes; with some of them, I don’t care to ask, or ever speak to the person again.

**This is where I’d also like to acknowledge the lovely, careful, responsible tops I’ve enjoyed playing with ever since I emerged onto the scene 12 years ago, but this is not the place.

A spanking blogger once more, or what I did during my sabbatical

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